five

"I saw the pain and I turned my back...

I am willing but I am so afraid...

I wanna be your hands, I wanna be your feet

I'll go where you send me"

"Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

1 Peter 3:14-16

God, we both know I've never been great at talking about important things. I'm not even great at making small talk. So, we also both know that I haven't done a lot of witnessing in my life. I've tried, but I always come up short it feels like. I feel like I sound awkward and contrived and not real like I want to be. I want people to know how real you are. I'm just so afraid of sounding stupid, God. And I've heard it said that you will never look stupid but... well, I've been there when I've messed everything up. I've seen it happen. I just don't know how to be better. I don't know how to get there. Will you help me? Lord, help me to feel your reassurance in this. Remind me that you are with me always and you will give me the words once I let go. Maybe that's my problem; I don't let go. Lord, I ask that you help me to let go of myself. Help me to die to my own fears and live for you unconditionally. Help me to be your hands and feet. I don't want to be wrapped up in me anymore. I'm going to do this for you.

one

“You are stronger, You are stronger

Sin is broken, You have saved me.

It is written, Christ is risen.

Jesus, You are Lord of ALL”

“Come let us return to the Lord, He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us, but He will bind up our wounds… Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him.”

Hosea 6:1,3

Oh God, I hear you. I hear your words speaking to me through the Word that you led me to. And though I don’t know exactly what your words mean yet, to know that you are speaking to me is enough for now. I have been far off, lost and confused for so so long. It is such a relief to know you really are there still and are still concerned with me and my silly problems. I will return to you, Lord, and I know that you will work all things to my good, so long as I put you first. And the same will go for my relationship with Jeff, as long as we put you first. I know it will be difficult. I am not expecting to be perfect. But this time when I mess up, I will not give up and run away. You already see my shame, what is the point in running? You are here with me always, which can be so good and so frightening at the same time. Lord, I love you. Thank you for running this race with me, and each step you give to me. It is an uphill run, but it is worth the pain and worth the price. I will run to you, God. I am yours. You are Lord of all.