five

"I saw the pain and I turned my back...

I am willing but I am so afraid...

I wanna be your hands, I wanna be your feet

I'll go where you send me"

"Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

1 Peter 3:14-16

God, we both know I've never been great at talking about important things. I'm not even great at making small talk. So, we also both know that I haven't done a lot of witnessing in my life. I've tried, but I always come up short it feels like. I feel like I sound awkward and contrived and not real like I want to be. I want people to know how real you are. I'm just so afraid of sounding stupid, God. And I've heard it said that you will never look stupid but... well, I've been there when I've messed everything up. I've seen it happen. I just don't know how to be better. I don't know how to get there. Will you help me? Lord, help me to feel your reassurance in this. Remind me that you are with me always and you will give me the words once I let go. Maybe that's my problem; I don't let go. Lord, I ask that you help me to let go of myself. Help me to die to my own fears and live for you unconditionally. Help me to be your hands and feet. I don't want to be wrapped up in me anymore. I'm going to do this for you.

four

"How could you speak when all your friends checked out?

How could you read out when they nailed they down?"

But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.

To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin,and no deceit was found in his mouth.

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

1 Peter 2:20-25

Dear God, when I declare it is all yours, I am declaring that you are in control of it all. This includes those who do wrong to me. This includes those that I pass judgement on. God, give me the strength to know when to pass up the judgement to you. Help me to silence my criticizing tongue. You know my nature and you know how easily I can judge others and hold a grudge forever. But I ask that you would help me instead to pray for them and forgive them. Lord, I have already begun rebuilding some kind of a relationship with Jackie because you helped me to forgive her. My prayer is that through me she can see you-- that she can see the reality of Christ's work in my life. I want to do your work, God. I want to be a looking glass into your heart. I want to remember that others are forgiven just as I was and am every day. I am no better than any others. I do wrong and have bad intentions, and am sometimes rude and inconsiderate. But not only do I know I am forgiven, I also know that you are helping me fix these things. I will trust you to do the same with others. Jesus, thank you for the amazing sacrifice that you made for me. Thank you for being so perfect and taking on all my blame. Help me to know your judgement of when to be silent and when to speak up. I trust it all to you.

three

"By your voice we speak

By your strength, we are no longer weak.

And by your wounds we are healed.

Tell me what kind of love is this?

What kind of love, would take your shame

And spill his blood for you

And save us by his wounds"

I'm still your God,

the God who saved you out of Egypt.

I'm the only real God you've ever known.

I'm the one and only God who delivers.

I took care of you during the wilderness hard times,

those years when you had nothing.

I took care of you, took care of all your needs,

gave you everything you needed.

You were spoiled. You thought you didn't need me.

You forgot me.

Hosea 13:4-6

It is a horrible accusation, oh God, but it is true. I did forget You for a while. Though I claimed to be your child, I did not give one thought to your ways and what You wanted for me. I did what I wanted and I alone. And I see now where that path leads. I want to follow your plans, Lord. I know that yours are much better than mine. I will follow in your path and receive your promises. It's true-- you are the only real God I have ever known. You are the only one who has always been true and right, though I did not always see it. You are eternal and faithful, Lord. I admit my shortcomings and I ask that you lead me from now on. You paid the price for me and I give myself over freely. Your love is so grand, so vast, so extravagant. It is so intricate, I cannot see each thread, nor can I see the big picture. But You know all, Jesus. Thank you for being mine and letting me be Yours. Take me as your own. You are my God, You are my Lord.

two

"And now my life's song sings,

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

Let my life's song sing to You"

How can I give you up...

How can I hand you over...

My heart is changed within me

All my compassion is aroused...

For I am God, and not man--

The Holy One among you

Hosea 11:8-9

Daddy, Abba, Father, Dad. Lord Most High. How I long to see you as Daddy again. If I did all the time, I would know how desperate you are to take care of me, to have me do good, and love you the way I should. But most of all, I would know how deep your love is for me. It is deeper than I could imagine, and ever present, even when I am in the midst of things you despise. Forgive me, God, for my shortcomings. Forgive me, but more importantly help me to move on, to the things you hold for me. I will give you my things if you will give me yours. I know I am scared of being empty-handed, but I will trust in you. Take me home, Daddy. Let me live in your home and know that it is my home too. This prodigal child is coming home.

one

“You are stronger, You are stronger

Sin is broken, You have saved me.

It is written, Christ is risen.

Jesus, You are Lord of ALL”

“Come let us return to the Lord, He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us, but He will bind up our wounds… Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him.”

Hosea 6:1,3

Oh God, I hear you. I hear your words speaking to me through the Word that you led me to. And though I don’t know exactly what your words mean yet, to know that you are speaking to me is enough for now. I have been far off, lost and confused for so so long. It is such a relief to know you really are there still and are still concerned with me and my silly problems. I will return to you, Lord, and I know that you will work all things to my good, so long as I put you first. And the same will go for my relationship with Jeff, as long as we put you first. I know it will be difficult. I am not expecting to be perfect. But this time when I mess up, I will not give up and run away. You already see my shame, what is the point in running? You are here with me always, which can be so good and so frightening at the same time. Lord, I love you. Thank you for running this race with me, and each step you give to me. It is an uphill run, but it is worth the pain and worth the price. I will run to you, God. I am yours. You are Lord of all.